Disengagement Is Betrayal
by Judy Ryan
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be?” - Marianne Williamson
All misbehavior is disengagement from our highest, most loving selves. Then we fail to meet needs right in front of us because we are discouraged and afraid and don’t feel empowered, lovable, connected and contributing. I am sharing this with you because for many people, including me, the most crazy and confusing of all misbehaviors is disengagement itself. Over 70% of the population is partially or fully disengaged, closing hearts in relationships, refusing to risk authenticity and vulnerability by disowning inspiration and purposeful living.
When on the receiving end of disengagement, we feel invisible, alone, invalidated and unworthy, often unable to process what is happening or why. Here are four specific presentations of misbehavior:
1. Active destructive misbehavior. Overt behavior that is destructive to property, people, routines and relationships. Examples:
• Corporate. An employee spills coffee on important presentation materials of a fellow employee on purpose, sabotaging his project.
• Education. A teacher says to her students, “Be careful not to make a mess with your glue.” Nine-year-old Danny puts glue in the hair of another student.
• Family. A dad is angry with his 7-year-old son for hitting his 3-year-old sister. Ironically, he spanks his son while saying, “You need to stop hitting people smaller than you!”
2. Active constructive misbehavior. Behavior that appears positive, correct or constructive and is presented actively. Examples:
• Corporate. You are ready to contribute important ideas at a meeting. A co-worker on your team brings in a totally different plan instead, apologizing but insisting his ideas will work better; he upstages others.
• Education. A teacher asks students questions, but one student frequently blurts out the answers under the guise of enthusiasm and helpfulness, often robbing others of learning and contributing.
• Family. A mom is paying bills. Her son brings kisses, hugs, questions, a picture; he constantly interrupts.
3. Passive constructive misbehavior. Omissions and inactivity presented as if a person is intending to be helpful or nice. Examples:
• Corporate. An employee refuses to do work outside of his job description, acting regretful and powerless.
• Education. John and Mary are told to clean the play area. Mary starts without John. When asked, “Why isn’t John helping?,” Mary says: “I don’t know. He went out to play.” She piously throws him under the bus.
• Family. A mom is supposed to pick up her daughter after school. She is 20 minutes late again but apologizes, detailing good deeds she was doing for the daughter that kept her from arriving on time.
4. Passive destructive misbehavior. Omissions and inactivity that are destructive to people and circumstances. Examples:
• Corporate. An employee is texting, emailing and gossiping, failing to deliver his work.
• Education. A group of students stands by while another student is bullied.
• Family. The electricity is turned off. Mom finds out Dad gambled away the money that would have been used to pay the bill.
Disengagement is a betrayal of trust because it violates eight values that build trust. When disengaged, we fail to be honest, straightforward and receptive; to disclose our thoughts and feelings; to give respect and recognition; to follow through on commitments; and to seek excellence. And that’s a betrayal because we are meant to experience wholehearted lives. Call me if I can help.
Owners, community leaders and educators hire Judy Ryan and Lifework Systems because they want the advantages of an extraordinary workplace. Judy’s book, “What’s the Deal With Workplace Culture Change?” is available FREE at www.GetMyCultureBook.com. You can also contact Judy at 314-239-4727.