by Judy Ryan
I was mentoring someone in my culture certification program who I’ll call John. One of the questions we ask in mentoring is about managing one’s engagement level. I asked John: “Are you enthused about your job, your organization, your life? What is your engagement score on a scale of 1 to10?” John said, “I did have a high engagement score but now I would rate it as a 6.” I asked him, “What would raise it to a 7?”
John proceeded to tell me he was part of a small startup company and two of his co-workers in it were unhappy with the direction the owner was taking. As they had done on other occasions, they told John they were going to resign and wanted him to validate their resignation letter. He told me that their approach was both immature and unfair; immature because it was petulant (as if they were victims) when in fact, they were frequently defiant with the owner. It was unfair because they put at risk everyone involved, including John. If they left, the company would fold. Then John said what many people say when overwrought and discouraged, “I just don’t care.” This is the root cause of his disengagement.
“I Don’t Care”
“I don’t care” is a coping mechanism used to defend ourselves by closing our hearts to painful feelings. “I don’t care” is an indication we don’t want to care but that if we did, we would have to face, feel, and do something about it. Thinking and saying, “I don’t care” is a choice; it is way of letting us off the hook for our own responsibility in the face of something that requires an honest, mature response. We all love responding to easy things that align with what we already want and know. We don’t always love caring about and responding to things requiring new, uncomfortable thoughts and actions.
An Open or Closed Heart
When we say, think, and act like we don’t care, we are essentially closing our hearts, which is why our enthusiasm for our life, work and organization diminish right then and there. Some ways we do this are to flee into our minds and intellectualize things. John told me how often these two employees do this, how they don’t use their influence to try to change things, and how they try to rope him and others into their struggles. He told me how he has tried to advise them.
He speaks about the boss’s behavior and rationale. And…he told them a lie saying, “If resigning is what you think you need to do, then do it.” He was closing his heart to what he actually was thinking, feeling and wanted for himself, putting on a face of resignation. This is what it looks like and sounds like to close one’s heart.
“I Understand”
Another thing John shared was telling his coworkers, “I understand”. “I understand what you are feeling and thinking. I understand why you want to quit. I understand what the boss wants.” What John failed to give voice to (or disclose which is a trust behavior) was what HE was thinking and feeling. His focus was on trying to convert them and rescue them, which he revealed by telling me, “I’m tired of trying to pull them back from all of this.” In other words, John was, “being in another person’s yard” not his own. When engagement is at risk, it is time to disclose one’s own experiences, inviting others to listen to and understand YOUR ideas, opinions and feelings.
Honesty About Our Experience, Positive or Negative, IS Engagement
John would have been better served if he had said, “I am stressed about this news and I sure hope you consider how this could affect everyone involved, including me. I care very much about you, this company and about us working things out.” When John said instead, “If you feel you need to quit, then quit” in essence he was speaking from his discouragement, not his deepest desires.
This reminded me of a conversation with my mom when I was five. I said, “I hate you and I’m going to run away.” Her response was “Ok, but you can never come back.” The response of “I don’t care” is dishonest and it hurts everyone. If honest, she would have said, “Wow. You’re really mad. I sure hope you don’t leave because I’d really miss you and so would the rest of our family.” To be open, honest and caring about everyone involved, without trying to fix anyone, IS being fully engaged.
Judy Ryan (judy@LifeworkSystems.com), human systems specialist, is owner of LifeWork Systems. Join her in her mission to create a world in which all people love their lives. She can also be reached at 314-239-4727.
People hire LifeWork Systems because we help businesses become agile and manage their priority system: their human system. I hope this article helps you make sense of what’s most crucial to your evolving organization!