Stop Protecting Your Reputation

“...Sometimes I suspect that what had really happened was that we became more resigned, more cynical, raised our pain thresholds as we lowered our expectations. All in all, we settled for less.” —Emma Donoghue, Playwright

by Judy Ryan

It’s no accident that we often hear, “No pain, no gain,” “It’s better to tough it out,” or “I just have to live with it.” Many even believe it’s a sign of maturity, strength and accomplishment when they “man up” or “get over it” in response to challenges. Yet, when people recognize that a person is stuck at their worst, they often say, “That person hasn’t hit bottom yet.” Why should anyone ever need to “hit bottom”? We only need to hit bottom when we have raised our pain thresholds, blunted our feelings, lowered our expectations, and tolerated mediocrity and worse.

One of the ways I frequently see a pain tolerance issue at work is when I work with businesspeople who bring me into their workplaces because of dysfunctional relationships that are so hostile they cause a negative ripple effect for many others and often take a toll on the bottom line. Frequently, the pain tolerance of an entire organization is harmfully high and serves as a barrier to success and productivity. This plight is so common that there’s currently a mass exodus from organizations, dubbed the great resignation. When I am hired to mediate with such people, the first thing I ask them to do is examine the quality of their relationships. I ask them for a trustworthiness score. Generally, sharing such information is not something they want to do. I ask them if their relationship scores a “10” (defined as one with no unresolved problems). Of course, it isn’t. I next ask, “Then, what number is it?” These questions instantly bring them to self- and relationship awareness.

Recently, I met with a pair of highly paid consultants who were working for a national company. Their hostility was so noticeable that a client had complained to their consulting firm. I was called in. When the two consultants finally (and reluctantly) gave me a score for their relationship, one gave it a “1” and the other a “2,” which clearly screamed crisis zone to all of us. I said to them, “What made you think that your massively devolving relationship was something you should skip over?” This was a classic example of pain tolerance run amok and an obvious barrier to progress. Both were feeling significant pain but kept pushing through and ignoring it, trying instead to continue discussions about business activities. People do this a lot, not only in relationships, but with their health, energy and other choices. They avoid rather than address painful challenges. Hitting bottom is a costly practice!

What would our world be like if we quickly noticed when something first veers off center and causes the simplest pain for ourselves or others? With the slightest awareness of our own bodies and minds, we can tell whether something is bringing us closer to joy and wellness or depleting our energy, potential and joy. The same is true when we pay even a little attention to cues from others. Does this person have a look of open receptivity to me, or are they defensive, tense and closed? Am I causing pain in this person, and is this person causing pain in me? When most people notice such pain, they avoid taking steps in that moment — the very moment when they could most easily correct course and seek relief. If we all committed to lowering our pain tolerance, we would tear down costly barriers and become proactively healthy. Instead, too often, we resign from opportunities, adopt cynicism, lower our expectations, and settle for less, as Emma Donaghue so aptly puts it. What’s the solution?

If high pain tolerance is our greatest barrier, then the solution is to choose to wake up — to notice and address situations while the pain is miniscule and before it causes harm or loss. Knowing, adopting and remembering this truth is a noble path that leads to joy and excellence. I regularly ask people to revisit what they are committed to causing, i.e., their purpose, values, and ways they choose to be and behave at their best. When it comes to relationships, I ask them to make trustworthiness their foundational and highest priority. Are you ready to eliminate barriers caused by tolerating unnecessary, harmful pain? I’m happy to help you do so, as this is aligned with my own mission: to create a world (conditions and conversations) in which all people love their lives. Stop tolerating pain and choose excellence and joy instead.

Judy Ryan (judy@LifeworkSystems.com), human systems specialist, is owner of LifeWork Systems. Join her in her mission to create a world in which all people love their lives. She can also be reached at 314-239-4727.
People hire LifeWork Systems because we help businesses become agile and manage their priority system: their human system. I hope this article helps you make sense of what’s most crucial to your evolving organization!