Encouragement Vs. Praise

by Judy Ryan

“Humans need encouragement much like plants need water… We constantly encourage or discourage those around us and thereby contribute materially to their greater or lesser ability to function.” Rudolf Dreikurs, author, psychologist

Discouraged people are those most in need of encouragement but are often the ones to whom we feel least inspired to give it. I assert encouragement as top priority, but unfortunately most people often praise instead, which can have the opposite effect: It discourages people. Here are distinctive differences between the two:

PRAISE

Motivated by others: extrinsic motivation Interpretation: "If I don't perform, then I'm not good, you're not proud and I'm guilty of making you sad."

1. Praise places value and worth outside people. “I am so proud of you. You make me happy when…” (focuses on other’s pleasure – manipulative)
2. Stimulates rivalry and competition.
3. Fosters self-absorption at expense of others. “You are the best. You’re better than...”  (comparative)
4. Focuses on evaluation of performance.
5. Emphasis is on global evaluation of a person. “You have the highest sales” (and win the bonus). (comparative – often patronizing)
6. The deed and doer are synonymous. Praised people can feel discouraged, burdened by the high standard.  “You’re wonderful, great, amazing!” (generalized and expresses other person’s evaluation)
7. Fosters discouragement, influences quitting.
8. Fosters fear of failure and motivation to prove self. “Go get that client – make us/me proud!” (pressure to excel or prove capability to others)
9. Expresses judgments of good or bad, worthy or not. “I am so proud. I couldn’t be happier with you.” (focus is on the authority figure)
10. Cannot be given during times of failure. “I’m so proud you lost that big sale (?!).”
Long-range effects: dependence on others, fear of failure, doing minimum to stay under the radar.

ENCOURAGEMENT
Motivates from within: intrinsic motivation
Interpretation: “I am secure for who I am, not what I do. I decide what matters to me.”
1. Encouragement places value and worth within. “You really seem to love your work.” (focuses on your pleasure)
2. Stimulates cooperation and contribution.
3. Fosters self-esteem, does not hurt others. “You contributed when you...” (noncomparative)
4. Focuses on effort, persistence, joy, determination.
5. Emphasis is on a specific contribution.  
“You helped ____ people today by...”  (noncomparative, focuses on contribution)
6. The deed and doer are distinctly separate. Person accomplishes because comments are nonpersonal. “The company benefited from your ideas on… “ (specific description focused on contribution)
7. Fosters persistence/determination.
8. Fosters self-acceptance and personal satisfaction. “You really like to work hard and get exceptional sales.” (acknowledges effort for personal pleasure)
9. Expresses faith that other is lovable, loving and capable. “You seem to enjoy getting results and keeping a positive attitude.” (focus is on inner qualities)
10. Can be offered anytime.“You put into it everything you had.”
Long-range effects: self-confidence, self-reliance, takes risks, accepts mistakes and enjoys experiences.

Do all you can to build to courage and confidence in yourself and others while being mindful in your approach. Consistent encouragement has the power to change the world. To create an encouraging culture in your work, home or school, give me a call at 314-239-4727 or email judy@lifeworksystems.com. And make sure to check out our latest training specials at www.getmytrainingspecials.com. n

Owners, community leaders and educators hire Judy Ryan and Lifework Systems because they want the advantages of an extraordinary workplace. Judy’s book, “What’s the Deal With Workplace Culture Change?” is available FREE at www.GetMyCultureBook.com. You can also contact Judy at 314-239-4727.