by Judy Ryan
“So, we’ve had to up the ante, and now it’s time for Phase Two. It’s time for things to get difficult.”
—James Dashner, American Novelist
Definitions of “upping the ante”: To raise the cost or price; to increase the risk or possible harm that could result from something; to set a higher standard or goal.
In my work in culture transformation, in month six of our yearlong process, we introduce a powerful tool called “redirecting negative behavior.” This tool is an alternative to punishment, bribing, shaming and other actions used to get people to stop misbehaving. Redirecting is important because traditional ways of addressing negative behavior work only temporarily if at all, fail to address underlying causes, and worse, reinforce limiting and fearful beliefs people have about themselves when acting out. Redirecting negative behavior requires all four emotional intelligence competencies: self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, and relationship management.
In the redirect process, the one encountering the negative behavior of another person exercises self-awareness about feelings being evoked in themselves by the other person. Then, the former becomes socially aware concerning what mistaken and unconscious pattern and goal may be in play, and they self-manage so they don’t inadvertently support fearful and limiting beliefs. Next, they manage the relationship by consciously countering the mistaken goal, refusing to confirm something bad or shameful the person is believing about themselves or how life works. When the redirecting begins, the misbehaving person initially “ups the ante.” In other words, they get worse at first. As Dashner puts it, they ‘raise the price, increase the risk, and set a higher goal’. Knowing this helps the one redirecting because they realize that holding a positive view of the person is working. The former stays with it until the misbehaving person concedes that their fearful and limiting beliefs are untrue. The process heals not only the fearful, limiting self-concept of the one who was misbehaving, but also the self-concept of the one doing the redirecting.
I felt compelled to write this article because I see increasingly negative behavior in our world and how, inside many people, the parts of them wanting to believe the best in themselves is at odds with the unconscious and self-conscious fearful, limiting beliefs they have about themselves, others and life. As they seek to rise above this situation, their unconscious and self-conscious ups the ante. I see this in myself, too. In fact, in reading the book, You’re Not Broken, by Christopher Duncan, I see the individual psychology of Alfred Adler that we use in our work and how it maps to many of our concepts and tools. As I go deeper into the truth of my goodness and infinite possibilities, my unconscious and self-conscious ups the ante. The more we all understand this, the better our environments will be at work, at home, and in society. When we or others up the ante, it is tempting to believe that our faith in people (including ourselves) is misplaced and that the best we can do is punish and control.
I’ll never forget the first time I witnessed a highly accomplished businesswoman in a mistaken goal we call “significance.” Given this goal, she believed deeply that she was not ok, not enough. Even though she had accomplished so much, I could see she was wreaking havoc, trying to get people to take her down and invalidate her. As I recognized this pattern and redirected her by acknowledging her accomplishments and asking her to let me help her with a blind spot, she upped the ante. She lit into me about how I was not as good as she was at running a business and how could I possibly help her?! As I mirrored her words and refused to invalidate anything in her, she finally redirected and showed me the underbelly of her darkest fears. It was incredibly powerful to witness.
The more you understand how to counter fearful and limiting beliefs in yourself and others, the faster people will heal and come into their magnificence and creativity.
Judy Ryan (judy@LifeworkSystems.com), human systems specialist, is owner of LifeWork Systems. Join her in her mission to create a world in which all people love their lives. She can also be reached at 314-239-4727.
People hire LifeWork Systems because we help businesses become agile and manage their priority system: their human system. I hope this article helps you make sense of what’s most crucial to your evolving organization!